What Fresh Hell is This?

Dear Colin,

What people never tell you when discussing pregnancy and labor is that giving birth to a baby is only half of the...ummm..."experience."  Labor scared me, but I had no idea, NO IDEA, that recovery would be so difficult and would take so long.  Maybe it is better that way-- not knowing what to expect?  For me, the most painful times during labor were receiving the IV and having the nurses check my cervix for dilation.  (When I got the IV, your dad almost passed out.  They did not let him in the room for the epidural, because watching that would have put him in a coma) 

Recovery presents its own set of challenges, and is further complicated by the fact that suddenly, you are now a MOTHER with a demanding infant who is cluster feeding every twenty minutes and refuses to sleep unless you are holding him.  I have never before experienced the absolute exhaustion I felt in the days after you were born.  Of course, the silver lining to sleep deprivation is you don't remember anything afterwards :) 

**Please note that I realize there is a fine line between recording difficult memories and complaining.  Your birth story is a positive one.  But I do want to remember the difficult times-- for future reference, and because they make sweet times infinitely sweeter. 

Physical Recovery was...rough.  Because of the epidural, I could not feel or move my right leg for almost twelve hours.  The nurses had to cart me in a sort of standing wheelchair to use the restroom.  However, unlike when I was pregnant and could basically pee on demand, I found myself unable to pee at all and needed a catheter.  (This did not hurt-- I really thought it would.)  The nurses said I could not have my IV taken out until I peed three times on my own.  (This apparently all the motivation I needed to get my bladder going.  That IV was the bane of my entire hospital stay, and I was so happy when it was finally removed.) 

Also, let's not make it a habit of talking about my restroom practices here, but since I had an episiotomy, simply using the bathroom required a SO MANY THINGS, including: a squirt bottle, pain relief medication/spray, Tucks, and pads the size of a king-sized mattress.  I continued to need these things for about two weeks after you were born.  Yuck!  The Tucks were for the gnarly hemorrhoids I got from pushing during labor.  Those hemorrhoids caused me more grief than anything else, because it was impossible to get into a comfortable sitting position.     

I feel like the rest of my physical recovery was pretty typical.  My feet remained painfully swollen for about a week after you were born, but returned to normal seemingly overnight.  My "cold hands," which I learned was actually pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, went away after about two or three weeks.  At my four week post-partum doctor's appointment, I was only 15 lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Today (eight weeks out), I think I am down about 10 more (but need to lose much more to reach my ideal weight).  I do have permanent stretch marks on my stomach, so thanks for that.

Emotional Recovery was...rougher.  In retrospect, I think it is safe to say that I had the "baby blues" for about two weeks after you were born (but not PPD).  I cried every time anyone left our house-- friends, family, the newborn photographer, and even a delivery person or two.  I cried every single day your dad went to work.  I cried while trying to breastfeed you;  I cried when I could not breastfeed you; I cried when you feel asleep on my chest; I cried watching your dad play with you.  I cried so hard while reading you a Bible story, that I could not make it through the first sentence.  So.  Much.  Crying.  It was awful.  (I think a big catalyst for my roller coaster emotions was my inability to successfully breastfeed-- which is a story for another day.) 

Another thing I found interesting was that for several days after your birth (maybe as many as five or so), I was still in the mindset that I was pregnant.  I remember going to get ice cream with your dad and Pops the Friday after you were born and I thought to myself, "I don't care if I don't look my best right now.  I'm pregnant.  Oh, wait...I'm not pregnant!"  Or, I would think to myself, "You shouldn't eat/drink/do this because it's not good for the baby.  Oh, wait...the baby was born last week and this won't impact him one way or the other."  

I finally started to feel like myself around the four week mark when I started showering regularly, sleeping in my own bed, and felt brave enough to venture out of the house with you in tow.  However, to this day, I still do not really feel like a "mom."  Even though I've been planning and preparing for this new role for the better part of a year, it's a difficult transition to wrap my head around for some reason.  I have a son?!?  I'm a mom?!?  When your dad or grandparent are talking to you and reference "mommy," it takes a second before I realize, "Oh!  That's me!"  

Right now we are still trying to figure each other out, but things get easier, sweeter, and more fun every day.  I know that this life-long love was worth every bit of pain and discomfort, and I would do it all over again in a heart beat. 

Love, 

Mom  

 

A Baby Story

Dear Colin,

I considered giving up this blog after you were born.  I'm (justifiably) weary of putting too much information about you out onto the word wide web.  But I'm amazed out how fast time is flying and how much you're growing every day.  I want a way to document EVERYTHING, and this blog still seems like the best way to do that for now.  So...here we go!  This is your birth story.

I always knew that you would go past your due date and that we would have to evict you.  Dr. Sayeed does not let her patients go more than a week past their due dates, so at my last doctor's appointment, I asked if she could schedule the induction to give you a St. Patrick's Day birthday.  Sure enough, March 14 came and went and you showed no desire to leave your cocoon (that would be me). So, on March 16 at 10 p.m., your dad and I drove up to the hospital as scheduled and announced that we were there "to have a kid."  After filling out paperwork and getting settled in, we were ready to get the party started at 11 p.m.

When we got to the hospital, I was not dialated at all, so the nurses came in about every three hours to administer cytotech misoprostil to ripen the cervix.  My contractions became pretty intense in my lower  back around 4 a.m., so the nurse (Bree) put Demerol in my I.V., which completely knocked me out and allowed me to get some much-needed rest.  When I woke up a few hours later, your Nana, Daddy Ben, and Uncle Joey had all arrived to welcome you into the world!  Nana was allowed to stay in the delivery room.  Daddy Ben and Uncle Joey were relegated to the waiting room ;)

At about 10 a.m., I was two cenimeters dialated, and Dr. Sayeed decided she could break my water.  After that, labor progressed rapidly enough that they decided not to use the Pitocin.  Just one hour later, I already was six cenimeters dialated and had my epidural.  (Prior to the epidural, all of the labor pain was in my lower back, and the pain was constant.  I threw up three times, including when I got the epidural).  

The nurses continued to monitor your heart rate and were worried that it kept fluctuating drastically and that you may be in distress.  Finally, my nurse (Kara) said, "I think he's ready to come out!  It's time to start pushing!"  I told her I didn't know how!  I literally could not feel anything from the waist down and only knew when to push when coached by Kara or when I looked at the monitor meauring the contractions.  

After about one hour of active pushing, you arrived to much fan fare at 1:22 p.m.  You were 8 lbs., 6 oz., and 20 inches long, with a head of dark hair and grey/blue eyes.  I wish I could write down exactly what I felt when I first saw you, but I can't.  There are some moments in life so extraordinary that even the written word cannot serve them justice.  

    

 Your dad and I will never be the same, and we never want to go back to life without you.

Love,

Mom

Little Colin's Bear Cave

Dear Colin,

You are set to come this week and I still feel like I'm scrambling to get everything absolutely perfect for your arrival.  Your dad's and my problem is two-fold: we are perfectionists, but we are also procrastinators.  Most likely, you will be this way, too.  If so, please know that you come by it honestly :)

Thankfully, your nursery is finally ready!  I am in love with it, and it's exactly how I envisioned it (better, actually).  I hope you enjoy having this space to call your own.  I'm looking forward to many happy memories in our house and in this room, and I can't wait to watch you grow.  

 

This adorable giraffe hangs on your nursery door.  It will also hang on your hospital door when you are born.  I wish I could take credit for crafting this myself, but I ordered it off of Etsy.

The little animal prints above your bookshelf are also from Etsy. This bookshelf...ah, the things I could say about this bookshelf!  It has caused anger, resentment, and real tears over the months (yes...really).  This one is just temporary while your Pops builds a nicer custom one.

The Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls were mine as a child.  My grandma made them for me.  The Dr. Seuss books to their right all belonged to your dad as a child.  We received the piggy bank on the bottom shelf as a wedding shower gift (yes, a wedding gift...not a baby gift).

This is where we you and I will spend a lot of our time together.  The glider is not the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, but it is comfy.  

I ordered the big Doug and Melissa giraffe from Amazon during Black Friday 2012.  I was not pregnant at the time, nor was I trying to get pregnant.  I just knew that I would love it for a nursery one day!  I named her "Jelly," and she was the inspiration for the jungle/animal theme in your room.  

The little picture above Jelly has the thumbprints and signatures of everyone who attended showers for you (sans work showers).  Your Aunt Missy came up with this clever idea.

I predict that we will also spend quite a bit of time together here!  The "dresses" above your changing table are not really dresses.  They are Christening gowns from your Nana's side of the family that I had custom framed.  I don't know who they belonged to originally, but they are beautiful, and I love looking at them.  

Here is your crib, with a little stuffed monkey filling in for my little monkey until he gets here (that would be you!).  The monkey and the bedding are from Pottery Barn Baby.  The crib is a Jenny Lind crib that was mine as a baby.  Your dad and I sanded it down and repainted it.  (It had been in Nana and Daddy Ben's attic for over 20 years and was in ROUGH shape.)  

The letters above your crib were made with love by my legal assistant, Beverly.  I think they are so cute!

I did not get a picture of it, but there is crown molding in your room that your Dad and Daddy Ben spent an afternoon installing.  It looks beautiful!  I have to give credit where credit is due, and acknowledge that your Dad spent a significant amount of time painting your room, your closet, the crown molding, and the crib, hanging pictures, and putting together furniture.  None of this would have come together without him. 

Your room is the smallest secondary bedroom in our house.  The plan is to keep it as a nursery for all of our babies.  When you have a sibling, you will move to the much bigger bedroom next door.  In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the special space your Dad and I created for you.  Everyone poured a lot of love into this room, and we just cannot wait for your arrival!

Love,

Mom  

P.S.-  I don't know why the spacing is so strange in this post.  Blogger is insane.

Nine Months Pregnant and First World Problems

Dear Colin,

It is hard to believe that you will be here in just a few days!  Your due date is March 14, but if you don't come on your own, I am set to be induced on March 16.  This means you could possibly have a St. Patrick's Day birthday!  At this point, there isn't much left to document about the pregnancy.  I feel large as a whale, exhausted, and ready to "get this show on the road!"  I cannot wait to see your sweet face and hold you in my arms.

Here are some things I do want to remember in these last few weeks days (!):

• Last week was the first time you prevented me from doing something that I REALLY wanted to do.  A few months back your dad bought tickets for us to go see The Eagles play in New Orleans.  I was desperate to go!  I love live music, I love The Eagles, I love New Orleans, and most of all I love spending quality time with your dad.  Unfortunately, my doctor and your grandparents all "strongly discouraged" me from going as it was so close to my due date.  This is what they call a "first world problem."  (Your Pops got to go instead.  This turned out well because he and your dad rarely get  to spend one-on-one time together.)
• To partially make up for missing the concert, I had a prenatal massage scheduled for the weekend.  Unfortunately, due to road closures and traffic, I was 10 minutes late and the spa cancelled my appointment!  It was my fault that I was late, but after getting off the phone with them I LOST MY MIND!  I literally started sobbing like my best friend had died, and had to pull into the Target parking lot to calm myself down.  I know, it was soooo ridiculous!  I called your dad and he thought I was pranking him.  In six years together, he has seen me cry maybe three times; and he did not know how to react.  Gah!  I blame the hormones!  
• I do have one really bizarre physical symptom that has arisen these last few weeks.  It is extreme finger/hand numbness, which I have dubbed "Cold Hands."  My fingers (and sometimes my hands up to my wrists) just feel swollen and numb.  Dr. Sayeed said this is fairly common, but I have never heard of anyone else experiencing this.  It's apparently similar to carpal tunnel syndrome or what I would imagine arthritis feels like.  It is semi-painful, but actually more irritating than anything.  I never considered myself lucky to have two healthy and functioning hands, but I will never take them for granted again!  Taking out my contacts, putting in earrings, takings lids on or off jars, opening packets/mail...these are just a few every day things that "Cold Hands" make difficult.   
• This is my first week on my maternity leave!  If your dad had his way, I would work right up until you were crowning (graphic/gross image, but true!)  I was worried I would feel bored or "lost" without work, but I am so grateful I don't have to juggle it with everything else anymore.  And, I've basically killed it with productivity these last four days!  I have spent a significant amount of time in the kitchen cooking and freezing meals for the next month.  I still need to deep clean the house and reorganize the kitchen.  But, I'm slowly whittling down my "to do" list, and it feels great!  I hope I can get it all done before you arrive!  I just want everything to be perfect for my baby boy! 

 See you SOON!

Love,

Mom

 

Showered with Love

Dear Colin,

Last Sunday (Feb. 9), your Aunt Missy, Aunt Christy, and "Mama Terry" hosted a baby shower for us.  It was a beautiful party and I felt incredibly blessed to be surrounded by so many people who care about you and me.  All of the guests were people I've known for years and who I consider life-long friends, which made the day so special.  

 

The two best friends that anybody ever had: your Aunt Missy and Aunt Christy

 

Melissa and her sweet mama, Mrs. Beth, who also helped with the shower.

My law school pals, including your future best friend and daycare buddy, Elaina

 

Vy and Baby Carlisle; You and Me
 

Sarah and Abby; You and Me (we are due three days apart!)  This picture will work perfectly for ya'lls future wedding slide show, haha!
 

Reunited and it feels so good!  Kayla and me.  I hope you become good friends with her boys.  Maybe you and Tyler will be future college roommates like we were?
 

Your Nana, your Mama, and You!

I hope you never take for granted the people who love you.  I know that's sometimes easier said than done.  But please know, life has very little meaning if you don't have people with whom to share it.  Some people swear they will never have kids or wonder why people want to bring children into a "world like this."  For your Dad and I, the answer is simple: we wanted to expand our family and we wanted our love to grow.  I think it's important for you to know that...for when you're feeling philosophical one day.

Love,

Mom

P.S.- I need to add that your Mamsie made the long drive from Dallas just to be here for the shower.  It meant so much to me not only that she was there, but that she went out of her way to come and help celebrate YOU.  She had to turn around and drive back home afterwards.  Unfortunately, I do not have a picture of her on my camera :( 

This and That at 35 Weeks

Dear Colin,

I am 35 weeks pregnant to date. Or, as I prefer to put it, 35 weeks and 5 days.  (But who's counting?)  I remember so clearly the day I found out I was pregnant.  I had taken two false negative tests the week before, but I KNEW they were wrong.  When I finally saw the little plus sign on the very last test I literally cried with joy.  I actually kept that test (in a ziplock) for a long time.  I was worried one day the plus sign would fade away and take you with it.  I found myself checking it anxiously every few days until I felt sure you were sticking around.  If you ever find yourself thinking that I'm crazy, please know that I was like this before you were born :)

Anyway, time certainly flies!  I truly cannot believe that you will be here in just a few weeks.  Today was our last appointment with Dr. Sayeed before we switch to weekly visits.  Here's the scoop:

Size of Baby: You are the size of honey dew melon and between 5-6 lbs.

Weight Gain: Let's just go with "quite a bit"

Maternity Clothes: I switched over to full-time maternity clothes at about 24 weeks, but at this point, even some of those feel uncomfortable.  Whenever I get home from work I immediately change into leggings and one of your Dad's undershirts.

Gender:  Still a boy!

Movement: Your movements feel much sharper now and almost painful.  I think you're running out of space in there.
Symptoms: When I went to bed one night I noticed that my feet and ankles were swollen.  Like, really, really swollen.  Like, I now have cankles and club feet. 

Sleep: I have to take a nap every day after work.  I'm tired ALL. THE. TIME.

What I Miss:  Right now, I feel like a big egg.  So, I'd say I miss NOT feeling like a big egg.

Cravings:  Ice cream!

Best Moment of the Week:  I had a baby shower on February 9, and it was so wonderful to see so many of my best friends-- some of whom I don't see that often.  We were very spoiled!

Other Things...

• Valentine's Day was this week!  Your Dad and I never do much for Valentine's Day, and this year we celebrated by getting tacos from the Dairy Queen drive-through.  It was totes romantic, as I'm sure you can imagine :)  However, he did get me two different bouquets of flowers and two boxes of chocolate covered strawberries from Dessert Gallery.  So, the day was a total "win" in my opinion.  

• Last week I was involved in a car collision and had to go to the ER to make sure we were okay.  It was a really scary and frustrating experience, but you are well-insulated in my belly and appear fine.  I did get an unexpected ultrasound, which I loved.  I also got to hear your heart beat on the monitor for a few hours, and got to hear you hiccup!  Your Nana was with me and felt you hiccup and move for the first time. 
• Dad and I went to our last class at Memorial Hermann this week.  We went to: prepared childbirth, breastfeeding, and infant care.  I really wanted to go to all of these because I am a planner and felt I would be "less afraid" if I knew what to expect.  But now, I just feel overwhelmed with SO MUCH INFORMATION.  This does not even include the solicited (and unsolicited) advice I've received from friends and family (and busy bodies).  Surely caring for a baby is mostly common sense?  

I cannot believe you will be here in one month (or less)!  I'm excited.  I'm scared.  I'm curious.  Hmmm...everything feels a bit surreal.  I just hope I am ready when you get here!  I can't wait to kiss your checks!

Love,

Mom 

A Happy Surprise

Dear Colin,

Today was a fun day because all of our friends at work threw us a surprise baby shower!  I knew that the women in the office all pitched in to buy your pack and play, but I honestly had no clue we were in for such a treat!  In addition to the pack and play, you got some new onesies, books, grooming products, and lots of diapers.  I feel lucky that I work with such sweet people who are all so excited for your arrival.

Here's a picture of me-- getting completely surprised!  Sneaky Beverly (my legal assistant) told me she wanted to go out for lunch but needed to grab something from the training room first.  Little did I know that everyone from the office was inside waiting to party!  

All of the decorations were so cute!  In addition to opening presents, we also indulged in a fajita luncheon from La Cocina and played a few games.  The grandmothers of the group dominated the nursery rhyme games we played, but I was proud that I was familiar with most of them.

A few gifts:

Football Booties!

File Folders!

Which actually contained...your cute name!  The very talented Beverly made these just for you!  These will hang above your crib.

 

The pack and play!  (And I look huge!  Yikes!)

This week it has hit me more than ever how lucky you and I both are to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about us.  I hope you never take for granted that you are one loved little boy!  And I love you the most, of course :)

Love, 

Mom