A Working Momma's Prayer

Dear Colin,

This was your very first week at daycare.  As expected, I cried from the time we left the house until the time I got to work.  I just can't believe our time is done :( You were asleep when your dad and I dropped you off; and I'm grateful for that.  There is no way I could have left you there if you were awake and your usual smiley self.  Your dad tried to console me on our way to work-- repeating all the reasons I needed to go back to work, and how daycare will be such a positive experience for you.  The only words I could muster were, "I just want him to know..." before I broke down into tears again.  I don't like crying, and I especially don't like trying to talk while crying.  But today, I am going to finish that thought.

I just want you to know...

• That you're not in daycare because I don't want to take care of you.  That weighs VERY heavily on my heart.  I love taking care of you more than anything in this world, and I cherish every minute you and I are together.  I hope that being apart some of the time will make the times we are together even more special.
• That being employed is one of the ways that I do take care of you.  Your dad and I want to give you the very best life possible, and it is not financially feasible for me to stay home with you right now.  (I asked Sallie Mae if I could, and she said no.)  It's true that money isn't everything; but it's also true that you can't get have a roof over your head or food in your belly without it.
• That I do enjoy my job.  I like researching; I like writing; and I like helping people.  My job affords me the opportunity to do all of these things, and it gives me personal satisfaction and fulfillment that I'm not sure I could get as a full-time SAHM.  I worked very hard to have a career, and I'm not ready to give it up-- even if it was viable to do so.  Hopefully, I can be a positive role model for you and show that it is possible to balance a happy family and a successful career.
• That I think about you and miss you ALL DAY while I am at work.  Over the past two days, I've found myself scrolling through pictures of you on my phone just to get a glimpse of your sweet face.  Although I do enjoy my job, it does not make being away from you any easier.
• That I really do think you will enjoy daycare.  Your dad and I considered every childcare option there is, and then researched all of the local day cares.  I love where you are, and I think you will make some great friends and have a really positive experience.  I would never place you in a situation I did not feel comfortable with or trust.

You only went to school two days this week (we started you on a Thursday), and the next two weeks will be short as well because of Memorial Day.  I think it's good for both of us to ease into this newest stage of life. 

Your teachers seem to really like you and have told me what a good baby you are.  The only problem so far seems to be napping, and I think that's because you're overstimulated and busy trying to take everything in.  On your first day, you took a 25 minute nap, a 30 minute nap, and a 2 hour nap over a seven hour period.  When I picked you up around 4, you slept the remainder of the day and into the next morning.  You were worn out!  (And I was so sad, because I really wanted to play with you!)  On your second day, you took a 15 minute nap and a 45 minute nap over a seven hour period.  When I picked you up, you refused to go down for a nap for the rest of the day, other than a brief cat-nap during our walk.  You did go down for the night without any problems, though.   

Hopefully, this new transition will get easier for both of us.  I'm happy as long as you are happy.  And I hope you know that!

Love,

Mom

Baby Colin at One Month

Dear Colin,

You were born beautiful-- with a perfect round head full of dark hair and blue grey eyes.  I don't know how I made such a pretty baby.  My paternal grandpa always used to say, "every crow thinks his is the blackest," which means that everyone thinks their child is the prettiest, smartest, and very best to ever walk the earth.  But you really are.  You are the darkest, downiest, most melodic little crow I've ever seen.  From the very beginning, you've had my heart firmly in your grasp.

Colin at one day old

I'm actually writing this right before you turn two months, and your first month is mostly a blur.  The biggest struggle we had during your first month was breastfeeding.  I knew it was best for you, and it's something I really wanted.  Unfortunately, my milk never really came in, and I felt like I was starving you to death.  It was a VERY hard decision, but I switched you to Similac at two weeks.  You are growing and thriving, so I have come to peace with that choice.

One perk of switching to formula is that you very quickly transitioned to sleeping six hours through the night.  You started doing this at about three weeks.  You mostly cat nap during the day-- taking an hour-long nap every two or three hours or so.  I feed you "on demand," but you have created a schedule for yourself, and pretty well stick to it like clockwork.

At two weeks, you started taking two oz. every two hours.  At four weeks, you started taking three oz. every four hours.  As in the womb, you remain a pretty laid back baby.  Nothing really seems to phase you, and you only ever cry when you are hungry.  And when you are hungry, you are HUNGRY!  You have a very strong suck reflex, and sucked several hickies onto your arms at three and four weeks.  You will take a pacifier sometimes, but not always.

 

You are the gasiest little thing I've ever meet, and have been that way since birth.  You get the hiccups at least once a day, and you toot all the time.  Your Nana was holding you in the hospital and worried that the nurses would think she was the one tooting, since you are loud, smelly, and unabashed about releasing gas.  I guess a baby's gotta go when a baby's gotta go!  The gas does not seem to bother you, although your dad did have to make a 2 a.m. run to Wal Mart for gas drops one morning.

Just like I knew he would, your dad relishes fatherhood.  You adore him, and he adores you.  I call him the baby whisperer, because he can calm you better than anyone else when you are acting fussy.  I am really looking forward to seeing your relationship grow.

I wrote earlier about the emotional and physical struggles I had when you were first born.  For the first two weeks of your life, I would not leave your side, and your dad and Nana literally had to beg and bribe me to leave the house.  Since that time, I have gotten more and more comfortable getting around and taking you out in public.  I met two other mom friends in the neighborhood with babies close to your age, and we go for walks together a few times a week.  If they're not free, you and I will go alone, which is also nice.  You seem to enjoy being outside and usually fall asleep in your stroller.

And now for the one month stats:

Weight: 10 lbs.; 0 oz.
Length: 22 1/2"
Clothing: some newborn sizes, 0-3 month
Nicknames: Goose, Grey Goose, Mama's Baby, Baby Burrito, Buddy, and (of course) Wilder
Milestones: started sleeping 6 hours or so through the night
Loves: Sucking on your hands, napping on mama and daddy's chests, going for walks, going to Nana and Daddy Ben's house, the vibration device on your Pack and Play (or any bouncing motions), smocked clothing, and delicious Similac
Hates: having your hands and feet restrained, having your hair washed, and being denied delicious Similac

Baby Colin at one month old

I can't wait to watch you as continue to grow.  I'm truly blessed to be mama to such a black crow :)

Love,

Mom

 

What Fresh Hell is This?

Dear Colin,

What people never tell you when discussing pregnancy and labor is that giving birth to a baby is only half of the...ummm..."experience."  Labor scared me, but I had no idea, NO IDEA, that recovery would be so difficult and would take so long.  Maybe it is better that way-- not knowing what to expect?  For me, the most painful times during labor were receiving the IV and having the nurses check my cervix for dilation.  (When I got the IV, your dad almost passed out.  They did not let him in the room for the epidural, because watching that would have put him in a coma) 

Recovery presents its own set of challenges, and is further complicated by the fact that suddenly, you are now a MOTHER with a demanding infant who is cluster feeding every twenty minutes and refuses to sleep unless you are holding him.  I have never before experienced the absolute exhaustion I felt in the days after you were born.  Of course, the silver lining to sleep deprivation is you don't remember anything afterwards :) 

**Please note that I realize there is a fine line between recording difficult memories and complaining.  Your birth story is a positive one.  But I do want to remember the difficult times-- for future reference, and because they make sweet times infinitely sweeter. 

Physical Recovery was...rough.  Because of the epidural, I could not feel or move my right leg for almost twelve hours.  The nurses had to cart me in a sort of standing wheelchair to use the restroom.  However, unlike when I was pregnant and could basically pee on demand, I found myself unable to pee at all and needed a catheter.  (This did not hurt-- I really thought it would.)  The nurses said I could not have my IV taken out until I peed three times on my own.  (This apparently all the motivation I needed to get my bladder going.  That IV was the bane of my entire hospital stay, and I was so happy when it was finally removed.) 

Also, let's not make it a habit of talking about my restroom practices here, but since I had an episiotomy, simply using the bathroom required a SO MANY THINGS, including: a squirt bottle, pain relief medication/spray, Tucks, and pads the size of a king-sized mattress.  I continued to need these things for about two weeks after you were born.  Yuck!  The Tucks were for the gnarly hemorrhoids I got from pushing during labor.  Those hemorrhoids caused me more grief than anything else, because it was impossible to get into a comfortable sitting position.     

I feel like the rest of my physical recovery was pretty typical.  My feet remained painfully swollen for about a week after you were born, but returned to normal seemingly overnight.  My "cold hands," which I learned was actually pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel, went away after about two or three weeks.  At my four week post-partum doctor's appointment, I was only 15 lbs. away from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Today (eight weeks out), I think I am down about 10 more (but need to lose much more to reach my ideal weight).  I do have permanent stretch marks on my stomach, so thanks for that.

Emotional Recovery was...rougher.  In retrospect, I think it is safe to say that I had the "baby blues" for about two weeks after you were born (but not PPD).  I cried every time anyone left our house-- friends, family, the newborn photographer, and even a delivery person or two.  I cried every single day your dad went to work.  I cried while trying to breastfeed you;  I cried when I could not breastfeed you; I cried when you feel asleep on my chest; I cried watching your dad play with you.  I cried so hard while reading you a Bible story, that I could not make it through the first sentence.  So.  Much.  Crying.  It was awful.  (I think a big catalyst for my roller coaster emotions was my inability to successfully breastfeed-- which is a story for another day.) 

Another thing I found interesting was that for several days after your birth (maybe as many as five or so), I was still in the mindset that I was pregnant.  I remember going to get ice cream with your dad and Pops the Friday after you were born and I thought to myself, "I don't care if I don't look my best right now.  I'm pregnant.  Oh, wait...I'm not pregnant!"  Or, I would think to myself, "You shouldn't eat/drink/do this because it's not good for the baby.  Oh, wait...the baby was born last week and this won't impact him one way or the other."  

I finally started to feel like myself around the four week mark when I started showering regularly, sleeping in my own bed, and felt brave enough to venture out of the house with you in tow.  However, to this day, I still do not really feel like a "mom."  Even though I've been planning and preparing for this new role for the better part of a year, it's a difficult transition to wrap my head around for some reason.  I have a son?!?  I'm a mom?!?  When your dad or grandparent are talking to you and reference "mommy," it takes a second before I realize, "Oh!  That's me!"  

Right now we are still trying to figure each other out, but things get easier, sweeter, and more fun every day.  I know that this life-long love was worth every bit of pain and discomfort, and I would do it all over again in a heart beat. 

Love, 

Mom  

 

A Baby Story

Dear Colin,

I considered giving up this blog after you were born.  I'm (justifiably) weary of putting too much information about you out onto the word wide web.  But I'm amazed out how fast time is flying and how much you're growing every day.  I want a way to document EVERYTHING, and this blog still seems like the best way to do that for now.  So...here we go!  This is your birth story.

I always knew that you would go past your due date and that we would have to evict you.  Dr. Sayeed does not let her patients go more than a week past their due dates, so at my last doctor's appointment, I asked if she could schedule the induction to give you a St. Patrick's Day birthday.  Sure enough, March 14 came and went and you showed no desire to leave your cocoon (that would be me). So, on March 16 at 10 p.m., your dad and I drove up to the hospital as scheduled and announced that we were there "to have a kid."  After filling out paperwork and getting settled in, we were ready to get the party started at 11 p.m.

When we got to the hospital, I was not dialated at all, so the nurses came in about every three hours to administer cytotech misoprostil to ripen the cervix.  My contractions became pretty intense in my lower  back around 4 a.m., so the nurse (Bree) put Demerol in my I.V., which completely knocked me out and allowed me to get some much-needed rest.  When I woke up a few hours later, your Nana, Daddy Ben, and Uncle Joey had all arrived to welcome you into the world!  Nana was allowed to stay in the delivery room.  Daddy Ben and Uncle Joey were relegated to the waiting room ;)

At about 10 a.m., I was two cenimeters dialated, and Dr. Sayeed decided she could break my water.  After that, labor progressed rapidly enough that they decided not to use the Pitocin.  Just one hour later, I already was six cenimeters dialated and had my epidural.  (Prior to the epidural, all of the labor pain was in my lower back, and the pain was constant.  I threw up three times, including when I got the epidural).  

The nurses continued to monitor your heart rate and were worried that it kept fluctuating drastically and that you may be in distress.  Finally, my nurse (Kara) said, "I think he's ready to come out!  It's time to start pushing!"  I told her I didn't know how!  I literally could not feel anything from the waist down and only knew when to push when coached by Kara or when I looked at the monitor meauring the contractions.  

After about one hour of active pushing, you arrived to much fan fare at 1:22 p.m.  You were 8 lbs., 6 oz., and 20 inches long, with a head of dark hair and grey/blue eyes.  I wish I could write down exactly what I felt when I first saw you, but I can't.  There are some moments in life so extraordinary that even the written word cannot serve them justice.  

    

 Your dad and I will never be the same, and we never want to go back to life without you.

Love,

Mom